A Reader Submission
There is such a thing as just fun and games and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that; however, it’s key to remember that these usually tend to be shorter term relationships and not permanent ones. There are a lot of problems with Mr. Physically Perfect and you did rightly mention some of these issues, but I would like to take the time to explain a few more from a guy’s point of view.
It’s not uncommon for us to be more lenient with someone who we find very attractive. It’s often because we value the physical more so than any other aspect of the person and this phase can only last so long. It happens to the best of us and this does not mean that we are shallow people, but we need to take into account that we are visual creatures so what we find to be visually appealing does matter a lot.
It’s completely fine to be completely subdued by someone and to be unable to look away while in the relationship, but that excuse can only apply to a brand new relationship where lust and physical attraction are the focal points. In the beginning of a relationship, we tend not to see the flaws in our partner, for better or for worse because lust is fueling idealizations and projections that make us see what we hope someone will be or what we need them to be, rather than seeing them for whom they are.
Many people don’t take the time to understand and identify what is most important to them, whether it’s because they think that they are entitled to have everything or they just don’t know any better. Knowing what is important to you takes time, it necessitates many experiences; both good and bad, and the right attitude to realize that you are constantly learning and improving yourself. So the question becomes: what’s important to you and how is that going to factor in the long run? If you don’t want to think about the future, then whether or not that person has a brain will not matter as long as the sex is great right?
It all depends on what you want in a partner at the moment. If you’re looking for Mr. Physically Perfect who also has a brain, then you are going to be looking for a very, very long time. “But why?” you may ask. It’s because you’ve just eliminated 90% of the male population. Again, I’m not saying that you shouldn’t have standards, we all should, but the problem is that you need to be realistic. How do we determine what’s realistic or not? A good starting point is asking yourself what are the odds of finding someone like that. If what you’re looking for excludes most men, then those standards are unrealistic. For example, as a heterosexual man, hypothetically my type could be a very smart woman who is petite but very fit, with bigger than average breasts and who loves sport. This person probably exists, but what are the odds that I will find someone like that?
Some people make it a habit to only go after people who are seen as very attractive according society’s norm of attractiveness. I call it the trophy-girlfriend syndrome; when guys go into a relationship with the sole purpose of having an attractive woman by their side. Anthropologically speaking, this is how alpha males showed off their status symbol to their male counterparts (friends, family, and coworkers); they would aim to get with the most beautiful women. I’m sure you’ve realized how misogynistic this is and this makes me feel sorry for the women who date, knowingly or not, guys like that.
There are a few reasons why focusing mostly on someone’s good looks is problematic; there is the simple fact that there will always be someone who is more attractive according to societal norms. Have you noticed that many of the people that pop culture lauds as the sexiest on earth are repeatedly cheated on? The Jennifer Anistons, the Carmen Electras or the Halle Berrys of the world, to only name a few. If beauty was the only deciding factor regarding whether or not to remain in a relationship, those people named would have never been cheated on.
Some people, when “shopping” around for a partner only look at the physical characteristics and don’t question anything else; their personality, their hobbies, their passions, and their relationship ethics when it comes to family, friends and lover, etc. But those people are short-sighted because it becomes self-evident as time goes by that in any relationship there needs to be a lot more than just a physical attraction, although this is very important. It’s a fact that a lot of people fail to realize. A simple way to figure this out is to take into account how you spend time with your partner besides sleeping and sexual relations. Couples spend quite some time simply interacting with each other, unless you’re a new couple in which case most of your time together consists of having marathon sessions of sex. Aaahh the memories…
I, myself, try not to have a shopping list when looking for a partner. In no way does this mean that I don’t need to be attracted to the person in the first place, but I don’t have a physical type where I require that the person be either short or tall, have a round figure or be athletic, or whatever else could be included in a menu of physical specifications.
Being in a serious relationship is not about being with the most attractive person on earth, whatever that even means, it’s about the connection (love and not lust) between the two of you. And, often it doesn’t even start from a physical attraction, but simply from spending time together, be it with a co-worker or a friend, the list goes on.
*** P.S. I love hearing from my readers so do not be shy to e-mail me your opinions about a blog that I’ve posted. This is an interactive forum (a no-judgment zone) where we can share our stories, ideas and thoughts. If you wish to send me a story so that I may provide my insight, e-mail me at: email@example.com
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